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Thursday, October 27

Home Sweet Home.....or is it??

We're HOME!!  We made it back yesterday around 5ish.  We did pretty well on time.  The girls slept for half the trip which I'm still not sure if it was a blessing or a bad thing. 


We ended up only having to stop once and it was when they first woke up.  When we officially we left but forgot somethings and had to go back got on the road it was 10:45.  The girls were asleep by 11:30 and we were on our merry way.  I was free to have a quiet ride....right?!?  Wrong!!  It was quiet in the car....but in my head? Not.so.much.  It gave me a lot of time to think.  Think about all the things that are going on in my life right now.  I laughed, I cried and I reminisce.  I was taken back to one of the greatest days of my life..my wedding.  When the radio station played our wedding song I was taken back to when things were so much simpler.  When although I was under wedding stress, I wasn't under life stress. Having that time in the car was very challenging for me.  I went through every emotion possible.  I had moments when I thought I was ready to forgive and I had moments when I wanted to pick up the phone and call some people out.  What finally turned things around for me was when I looked in the mirror and saw my two angels sleeping.  They had not a care in the world.  They were sound asleep and peaceful.  At that moment I realized that I want to be that peaceful.  I NEED to be that peaceful.  My sanity can't take it anymore.  Theres just one problem, I struggle with giving all my problems to GOD and accepting that peace.  I am a Christian.  I raise my children as Christians, but deep down, I struggle with giving ALL of me to Him. Just as I was saying a prayer for myself, A woke up and said she had to go potty.  As soon as I pulled into Wawa E was awake and any thoughts that were going through my head were gone.  It was potty time, lunch time and time to figure out how I was going to keep an almost 5 yr old and a 19 mth old happy in the car for the next 3 hours.  Needless to say, we made it.


So today comes along.  The hubs is at work.  A is back to school.  And E, well she's in her crib fighting her naptime.  I am yet again left here to think.  Think about how upset, hurt and angry I am about a multitude of things.  I'm bitter.I'm sad.I'm frustrated.I'm questioning. I talked to my aunt today and although she is fabulous and knows all the right things to say, I can't help but cry when she tells me how strong she thinks I am.  I don't feel strong.  I feel weak.  I feel beaten down.  I feel tired. 


I'm sorry that this isn't an uplifting and cheerful post.  Its honest.  Its real.  Its who I am.

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