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Saturday, January 19

Feel like my bodies failing me....

...or maybe I'm just failing it.  Idk.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant I feel like my body is shutting down more than ever.  Every possible thing that could go wrong has.

Its no surprise that I suffer from Hyperemisis Gravardium.  I blogged about it here a few months ago.  I have since had the Picc-line removed.  I have been able to eat more and keep it down, so I begged asked my Dr. to let me get it removed.  Besides, especially with a third child on the way, who has the extra $300+ a month to pay for it.  I sure don't.  If you really think about it, that's a car payment!  Anyway, having to deal with the Picc-Line and all the vomiting alone is enough for ones body to handle.  At-least you would think...

Since I had the Picc-Line removed I have dealt with having a sinus and double ear infection, more vomiting, more ultrasounds for the baby's heart (All is well with her heart.  I've had to do this with all my babies bc I lack amniotic fluid.) and more...

My most recent breakdown has been due to a lump.  I have had a lump in between my left arm pit and my left breast for.....well it doesn't matter.  Long enough that I should have said something before but have been too chicken $hit to do so.  One morning when getting out of the shower my husband finally got on me about saying something to my OBGYN.  He's been telling me for months to say something, but that particular morning he was adamant that I speak up about it.  So...I finally did.  At my next OBGYN appt. I showed it to my Dr. and she made me an appt. to have a mammogram done.  I was terrified.  I had more breakdowns than one should within a weeks worth of time.  Not only was I terrified of getting "squeezed" but I was terrified of what my results were going to be.

So here I am only 32yrs old and very much pregnant walking into a breast center. It was scary. I also have to admit I was very confused about how I felt sitting there among all older woman. I remember thinking to myself that it was less than 2yrs ago I was entering and winning 3rd place in the annual The Bra-Ha-Ha contest in support of a friends mother who at the time was passing due to cancer (The one I helped create is listed #3 in the 2011 Winners tab in the Gallery of Bras.) When I think about mammograms, I think ages 40 and up. I was pretty sure the ladies sitting around me were just as confused as I was seeing me sitting there (or at least that's what I was thinking in my head). I'm sure they each had their own opinions but all gave me a smile of reassurance.  (Not to mention I'm sure I had the look of fear written all over my face and much like a deer caught in headlights.)  Once I was finally called back I really started to panic.

I was brought into a room that looked just like the ultrasound room at my OBGYN's office.  The tech then began to tell me that she was not going to do a mammogram on me due to the fact that I was so pregnant. She explained to me that they preferred doing an ultrasound on me instead to start off and then if they had to do a mammogram as a last resort, then they would. (Chime the sigh of relief of not getting squeezed!!  I'm sorry, but my Size DD was not going to take to that lightly, lets just be honest here!)

The ultrasound went on for only a few minutes.  The tech had me move into a bunch of diff. positions and then at the end said "I don't see anything.  I'll work things up and send them to your Dr.".  Um...ok.  "Chime the look of confusion.) And that's exactly what I said to her.  "Um...ok."  I honestly didn't know what to say.  Here this is her area of expertise, not mine.  I'm just the prego with a lump in her pit.  I got dressed and left.

I had a follow up the following week with my OBGYN yet again.  We discussed the results and although her opinion was that it was excessive hormonal tissue, she didn't want it ignored and wanted me to get another opinion.  She set me an appt. with a breast surgeon within the same building I had my ultrasound at.  Yet again, I walked in feeling all the same emotions and feeling just as awkward as ever.  Thankfully, I had less of a wait, which led to less scary assumptions running through my head.  I was called back and asked to undress from the waist up.  I remember thinking to myself  "should I pull down my belly belt attached to my maternity pants?".....or....."has the surgeon ever had a patient that not only flashed him her ninnies, but her big ol baby belly as well?"  Oh well, I left the belt pulled up; no need for him to see my baby making history spelled out all over my lower stomach, right?!?!

The surgeon was super nice.  He pretty much did everything the previous tech did, only he seemed to know what he was doing, if that makes sense?  He pushed harder, he seemed like he knew exactly what and where to look at.  He asked questions, he took his time.  I was at ease.  I figured he was going to go ahead any minute and say it was nothing just like my previous appt.

Only he didn't.

He began to tell the nurse to take pictures and measurements on command.  This went on for what seemed like an eternity.  I remember thinking to myself that my worst fear just might be coming true.  I began to panic and I'm pretty sure the surgeon could sense it.  Within a couple minutes he told the nurse that that was enough.  He stopped what he was doing, pulled up a chair beside me and explained the following: The lump my Dr. and I found was in fact excessive hormonal tissue and is nothing to be concerned of.  Now under that lump and to the his left (my right, more into my breast) he found a large mass.  He said that it could very well be just an over-sized lymph-node, but he wanted permission to take a biopsy of it.

I just sat there stunned. "Um...ok" yet again was my response.  We discussed the procedure and ultimately the best case and worst case scenarios.  He said that if its benign, I would still have to have it removed due to the size of it, but that I would be able to wait until I deliver the baby.  If it was not benign, we would have to discuss treatment options that would have to start before I give birth.  I didn't ask any more questions bc quite frankly, I was too scared to know anymore before I even get the results.  The last thing I need is more stress and all the worst case scenarios popping through my head in the meantime.  I just let him do his best at numbing me up (I say his best bc all he could do is put lidocaine on the surface and let me tell you, that does nothing for the pain all the jabbing the needle does inside of you.  It hurt like HELL.)  After a few minutes he slapped a band-aid on it, said he would give me a call by the end of the week with my results and freed me to go.

It was a very long week.  He actually didn't call me by the end of the week as promised.  It wasn't until the following Monday that he called me.  He told me it was in fact benign, but that he wanted to take another biopsy of it in 3 months just to make sure and as long as all was still well, we will schedule surgery to have it removed.

I'll be honest...I started crying before we even hung up.  I was relieved yet still feeling scared.  Here I am, 32yrs old, a mom of two and pregnant with a third, and just the thought of talking about the "C" word and breast surgery was just too much for me to handle.  It still is.  Don't get me wrong, I am so relieved, but part of me is still so scared.

As most of you know, I am naturally an emotional person that's been dealing with a lot of crap in the last couple of years and adding all of this extra stress is more than I can handle.  My body is doing its best to cope, but I really feel likes its starting to fail on me....

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